Monday Jan 2, 2012 - 11:23am.
I know I’ve been writing about wanting to write more frequently. And I truly do. However, I’m a little hesitant to do so for the fear of sounding redundant. As of late, I’ve been in the same mind set, with the same stresses and the same heartaches that I cannot seem to shake. But then again, this is my blog, this is for me and I really don’t care what my follower count is at. After everything that has happened in the past month or so I’m trying to escape this rut of self-loathing and self-accusations, I want to be able to be happy again, I want to better myself. Every time my mindset starts to shift, even the slightest, you turn up at my door step and make me question everything. You throw me back down that same tunnel of impending doom that takes all my strength to climb back out of. And I know that the answer is rather simple: cut all contact, tell you to leave me alone. But the thing about that is, I don’t want that at all. I still want you in my life, I actually want things to go back to the way there were, as fucked up as they were. Because as pathetic as it is, I’d rather be that to you than nothing. And I know you are hurt too, hurt due to the fact that we cannot even be friends, but you need to understand the amount that you hurt me. I don’t think you truly understand it from my angle and that is the most frustrating part. You can’t play the victim here. You just can’t. I spent the last 7 months of my life with you, almost every day, to the point that I couldn’t comfortably sleep alone. I tore down the walls I spent 20 years building to perfection for you. I gave you everything I had and more and you fed me lies. You knew how I felt, and you knew even better how you felt. I know you are trying, you really are and I do appreciate that but in reality, how can we be friends? We were never just friends. I don’t have the emotional strength to pretend my feelings aren’t there and it kills me to see the frustration in your eyes when I can’t. I wish the best for you, I just hope one day you’ll see that that is me. And is sad as it is, I’ll probably still be here waiting.
